E L F I N

2012-01-26T11:44:00.000-08:00

hello everyone. i have decided i won't be posting here anymore. i may have a new blog sometime soon, though i am not sure of it.

thank-you for taking care to read & see what i have had to share here! i love you all.

✰

2012-01-15T20:09:00.000-08:00

2012-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

the inferior girl

some pull

a sink

a wish

undefined

a glance

you

your hands, your

(this is unsaid)

we, familiar.

2012-01-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

four rose-petals on piss-stained mattress

i cried amidst them afterwards. i felt

terrible as i had spat in one petal for

almost no reason. she is dead, they are

dying, he is well; we cannot be bothered. i feel some thing that feels

like sad; i feel no thing. there is the thick scent of formaldehyde in the air & i lied

about having cried.

i want you to tell me her name.

2012-01-06T22:12:00.001-08:00

2012-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

2012-01-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

i met a boy & we talked about books & i was very drunk & he was very shy &

we sat on the curb & talked about\

stars & being lonely & he kissed me twice & he smokes cigarettes

that come in a gold package .

secret code

2011-12-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

. . i

want

hold

the

hand

inside

you . .. .

2011-12-21T15:53:00.000-08:00

2011-12-19T01:21:00.000-08:00

2011-12-11T05:07:00.000-08:00

february 18;

2011-12-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

a. i was almost thirteen when he hit me

b. the track-marks on my arm that i hid from your mother

c. your hands & my head against the wall three times & the third &
your pause & my nosebleed & my
body running to watch my
face smile into the bathroom
mirror *
\

d. no, i can't remember

* "oh god, oh my god"

2011-12-03T00:51:00.000-08:00

i haven't been quite as honest as i'd like to be,
anywhere.
i have been trying to be less afraid.
i haven't been.
the world is as terrifying as it is
beautiful.
wrought, wrung out.

★

★

2011-11-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

2011-11-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

i've taken a pill & can't
tell what
should be said, what
shouldn't.

when will you be able to love me?
before the sky collapses?
too soon.

what is painful,
what i should be familiar with.

☆

2011-11-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

2011-11-17T00:34:00.000-08:00

i am not allowed to take
my favorite medicine an
ymore because it hurtm
y wrist

hello rabbit-girl i like your funny flower

today a boy gave me a lollipop

2011-11-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

☆

since the hospital i have
had six birds pinned
to my lungs.
i have been delayed.
i do not want
to be spoken to.
i want to remove.

☆

2011-10-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

body

flame

♡

2011-10-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

i want to go home now, i do.

★

2011-10-17T01:47:00.000-07:00

this is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive

this is not attractive it is violent

this is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive

it is violent this is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive it is

violent this is not attractive it is violent

this is not attractive it is violent this

is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive it is violent

not attractive it is violent ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

this is not attractive it is violent

this is not attractive it is violentthis is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive it is violent this

is not attractive it is violent this is not attractive it is violent this is not

2011-10-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

★ · *

all i am capable of is guilt or exoneration of accusation.

of course all of this is swallowed, swallowed, swallowed.

i want to say that i am bombarded with nothingness, so as

to make this drive toward stillness seem appropriate. i am

not sure if this is true, or if i manifest my own voids . . .

either way, vacancy looms as an invisible yet potent presence.

& i don't really know if the exterior can manipulate what is occurring.

· , ☆

☆

2011-10-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

my life oppresses me.
i want wings.

2011-10-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

http://8tracks.com/lamb/i-was-four-when-the-door-shut

if the stars stick
why can't i?

2011-10-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

2011-10-06T02:42:00.000-07:00

part-cloud.

2011-10-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

sick, again.

sometimes i wish my body would work harder at being alive.

but i found a lot of ants.

mother's day;

2011-09-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

CARNATION (YELLOW):

You Have Disappointed Me.

CARNATION (STRIPED):
No, sorry I can't be with you.

2011-09-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

the swelling has thinned,

the pill bottles have emptied,

the pain is ethereal.

xooooooxxooooox

2011-09-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

everything pure and whole is always so far away from me.

2011-09-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

dream it,

2011-09-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

i was born trying to balance the light and dark
between eyelids tightly shut against sun and moon

my voice was wild with cries, as though no arms had ever held me,
and if they had they'd let me go.

and then i opened my eyes and it was the

shadows that soothed me,
not the light.

☆

2011-09-23T00:35:00.000-07:00

self-deception ;

false sentimentality and attachment to

surroundings to the point of neurosis .

tendency to shock

persecutor and victim all at once ;

Hypersensitive, experience of physical birth felt as a process
in which they have no choice

it is the mother's will;

but not one's own ,

destructive extreme of self-effacement;

others tend to see whatever they want to see in you.

capacity to enter into the feelings of others,
redeemer and redeemed , .

body is delicate ,

entrancing;

no sense of self to balance longing.

and we long to be released from suffering by a redeemer who is in fact the property of our own souls.

☆

a ghost, always.

2011-09-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

honey, we can blame it all on the moon.

honey, who else is there?

2011-09-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

i swallow you.
you wish you were never born.
this is for you,
because you're trapped in a closet and living on cockroaches,
because he raped her and only went to prison for one year,
because you're still in love with her,
because you starve yourself and take twenty laxatives a day,
because your mother cries on the weekends,
because you love everyone,
because you cry at commercials and smile too much,
because he broke his promise,
because you broke yours,
because you ache from the bruises,
it is scrawled on the bathroom floor
it is burned into the wall;
it was written in the sand with a stick that was stolen back by a sea
who was too shallow to understand.

you are half asleep and you are hardly listening.

you can't forget me.
you will.

☆

2011-09-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

three a.m. just seems to be getting harder.

\\\

2011-09-09T13:41:00.001-07:00

2011-09-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

i found the bullet that was once yours and now it is with me everywhere i go.

http://8tracks.com/lamb/you-had-my-favorite-smile

2011-09-07T03:22:00.000-07:00

what about girls who let him cum inside because they never learned the word no?
and girls whose fathers said you deserved it
i am talking about the girls who ate in elementary school bathrooms and
the girls who will never be the thorn in anybody's side,
girls with smiles that come too quick and
hands that shake forever
they are earth-angels
the same girls who stopped eating
little bones for big hearts
they know how hands around the throat
can cross you out of your own life
their arms are made of want
if you would
let them hold you.

2011-09-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like i’m losing the battles for a war i don’t understand. sometimes i feel like i don’t know what i’m talking about.
like i’m chasing causes that have no consequences i can feel, taste, smell.
do you ever stumble in the dark? does it make you afraid? when you tread a tightrope who stops you falling?
sometimes i ride cars to nowhere. eat butterflies when i’m not hungry.
do you see now?

★

2011-08-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

i am magnum mouthed

honey snatched

my flavor changes constantly

bullets pass through me and i keep moving

when i talk

you know exactly

what i mean.

when i’m in love i stay wet all the time

“i hate that bitch”

i never had a father

i never learned how to be that kind of whore.

you need a daddy to practice that kind of stalking.

you need a daddy.

i never apprenticed to my mother

i wasn’t well for that kind of center of attention and protection

i was nobody’s angel

nobody’s princess, nobody’s baby

i grew wild, uncultivated, ungroomed, unprotected,

to a position of power.

i know what you want, when you want it, how you want it.

i deliver without a sermon

my religion has no pope, no choir, no hope

i never learned how to simmer contentedly

i boil over continuously

and i cannot be seen in a different light.

2011-08-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

there is this;

i am laying in a room and you are in the other; i have a fever of 102 a death waiting for extraction inside and an

a bcess, never you and you are in the

other

room.

the needle never looked so delicate as when in your hands.

like the name

'petal'

for a girl.

meanwhile, ice coats my lungs.

look at the wounds you’ve never had.
tell me
is it fever or forgotten wings?

2011-08-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

i am not like honey.

love me on the floor.
leave me for her blood.
i will vomit blacklight and then come back.

❤

2011-08-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

like silk.

★

2011-08-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

my lungs are spilling.

http://8tracks.com/lamb/in-the-sick-light

2011-08-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

i have been busy getting bruises
from different people in
different beds in the same place.

★ ☆

2011-06-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

,,,,,,,,

i'm an angel in a dope smoke apartment.

i thought of all the times i had been there, as a girl,
as a secret as a stranger
choking sinking and burning my guts

his fingers burned in my throat
and in my eyes.

★

2011-06-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

she talks about milk, eggs, cream,

her cavities need filling;

sticky fingers in the nursery again

she names every snot cake,

blows them cold.

at night

blood tells a lie;

she rocks herself to sleep in no one's bath.

☆

2011-06-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

http://8tracks.com/lamb/she-was-like-a-big-diamond-with-a-dead-spot-in-the-middle

there was something terribly wrong with her, all the way inside.

2011-06-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

aged 12; attempted to gut self w/scissors, missed heart
aged 14; hit self to sleep, repeat(ed) for three years
aged 16; accepted fate
aged 18; beaten to death in slow motion

over and over again, blood.

2011-05-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

i moonbathe

2011-05-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

2011-05-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

http://8tracks.com/lamb/you-are-my-favorite-ghost

2011-05-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

the moon understands dark places.

the moon has secrets of her own.

she holds what light she can.

we girls were ten years old and giggling

in our hand-me-downs. we wanted breasts,

pretended that we had them, tissued

our undershirts. jay johnson is teaching

me to french kiss, ella bragged, who

is teaching you? how do you say; my father?

the moon is queen of everything.

she rules the oceans, rivers, rain.

when i am asked whose tears these are

i always blame the moon.

☆

2011-05-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

i'm wearing all the wrong bones

i'm wearing my mothers bones

2011-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

La fumée dans l'eau. I am not ill but have an illness. S'il ya des fleurs dans le jardin , je ne me souviens pas. Il ya un écho dans mon cœur. Les perles ne sont pas vraiment blanc;
And I burn slow. Dites-moi, qu'est-ce que ces mains ont touché? Je sais que j'ai perdu.

★ ☆

2011-04-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

let people know the truth, let someone know the truth.

★ ★ ★ ★

2011-04-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

♡

2011-04-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

2011-04-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

all-little-girls-can-be-princesses-when-they-grow-up

dedicated to girls who fall in love with hospital beds

☆

2011-04-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

☆

i'd be

☆

i'd be like dead, i'd be wood, telling myself this doesn't count, it's not really happening to me, i'm dead, i'm blank, i'm
just letting time stop and pass, and then i'd hear the slam of the screen door and i knew it was
true, it was really happening

.../

2011-03-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

make the boys
who touch
your vein dry body
in the heat of the room

cry

on the stained mattress
you are
four years old again

and
the hands around
your throat
remind you of your father

.✩

2011-03-06T17:35:00.000-08:00

If there were an antonym for suicide

we could all choose when to be born.

I would have been born after that day

so I could not remember you.

So my fingers would stop pointing

at all the things that aren’t there.

..-☆

2011-03-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

slowly slowly

2011-02-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

like matted eyelashes
in the heavy white room

a dead bird,
and a silence that is beyond hell

2011-01-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

he said i'm your lover i'm your friend
i'm pure and he hit me a g a i n

i don't want this anymore

2011-01-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

she yelled, hot

and d r y;;

she was n i g h tgrabbed

greenness unfolded
behind her

2011-01-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

2010-12-27T23:54:00.000-08:00

for christmas i hurt my little eye

. .

..✰;

2010-12-24T00:03:00.000-08:00

i will have to wash myself

seven times øver...

break my skin

trying to make space

før the things i can remember ./✰

2010-12-21T01:59:00.000-08:00

..: *..: (* i spoil *) ..: *::.

2010-12-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

2010-12-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

when you see the stars

p-r-e-t-e-n-d

they're my arms

2010-12-11T18:34:00.000-08:00

///////////////

caked with mud

and mother's blood

do you remember the first sunrise?

an urge to kill the s k y

2010-12-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

тhℯy saƴ in hℯavℯη,

ℓø√ℯ cømℯs firsт

2010-12-04T17:55:00.000-08:00

2010-11-29T00:14:00.000-08:00

take me to the place you cry from

2010-11-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

mama

2010-11-22T17:34:00.000-08:00

i give you

something that ηø one's gonna ℊive you

my sleeping s k i n

//.

and my heart

deep down in you·

2010-11-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

2010-11-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

｡めslow burn

in my

head

2010-11-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

2010-11-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

i am small i can disappear▬▬ ▬

2010-11-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

im a dream

. a

all

a

always

2010-10-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

2010-10-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

2010-10-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

2010-10-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

One hand backwards gripping bloody bed post
Smooth white and gold little girly bed post

2010-10-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

2010-10-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

you cant se ehtis oneミ✰sorry

2010-10-19T17:46:00.001-07:00

2010-10-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

t h e d e vil is just n ot afr a i d

2010-10-19T04:43:00.001-07:00

2010-10-19T03:55:00.001-07:00

2010-10-19T01:58:00.001-07:00

2010-10-18T23:56:00.001-07:00

it can be described with one word; ''sunk'